The Place for Pity

Through reading a bunch of the disability blogs out there, especially this one from Gordon's D Zone, I’ve come to appreciate how people with disabilities despise being given pity from the able bodied. It diminishes them and implies that, because of their tragically limited lives, they shouldn’t be expected to do anything and aren’t supposed to amount to anything.

It was with this in mind that I noticed when my grandma recently administered a dose of pity to some blind children staying in a special home. I realized of course, that there isn't anything wrong with what she's saying. It is a shame, sad, that these children won't ever be able to see. How could anyone feel otherwise?

For those that struggle with difference, loved ones around them always probably feel worse than the struggler. They think about how hard a life the person will have, how difficult the challenges will be, that life will not be easy, that the world will not accept them. The person with the difference, me for example, thinks that life is hard for everyone. Everyone has challenges. They make life worth living. I just have to adapt and not feel sorry for myself. This is my life and I have to live it. While my differences are for reasons of sexuality and a health condition, the same sentiment echoes across disability as well.

But can we blame those who pity our differences? They see themselves as normal within their culture’s mainstream. When they see others who are limited differently, they incompletely project themselves onto us. All they can imagine is how sad a life it would be if they could not see, if they could not walk, if they had to suffer discrimination. They sincerely see only pain and not the full life that is afforded to everyone regardless of limits.

From my experience as someone insecure in some of my differences, pity may be coming from a loving place, but it feels like an accusation. It affirms fears that I am damaged, not good enough, flawed, incapable, and limited. Pity feels more like a judgment and an insult. What was spoken as loving is heard as insensitive and hurtful.

It is a hard question for me to answer, but how do we bridge this gulf of emotion? Sure we could be more proud of ourselves, more confident in our strengths than focused on our weaknesses, but that’s easier said than done. How do we maintain the strength to accept pity for what it is and to educate others of how it makes us feel? Answer the question for yourself. The world needs an education.